To All the Ethans I've Known Before - An Archeo-Anthropological Analyisis of Ethanian, Volume: I Pre-Highschool

Greatnus Infantilus – In spite of its glorious name, this subpar species couldn’t speak for far longer than its peers and threw many pointless tantrums. Little is known of Greatnus Infantilus but it is believed to be a typical third child. Accepted reason for extinction: Primary Education and violent suppression from Linsaethon Tyrannus and her trained minion Panthera Casperius.

Smoothlian Elementarius – A very popular species in its chosen biome, the playground. Had hordes of friends and in the latter stages of its evolution, many female interests. In this stage Ethan’s ancestor forged new alliances with Weenerius RedheadIan, Shellius Masculine, Shlollie Adventurus, Homo Scatien Harrichhausenus, Speechpathologus, Zacharius Constructionis and many other species. Subpar academia would not be remedied in this stage of evolution, though a new facet of Smoothlia would be revealed in and around the middle of its time on earth, independence. This trait would prove to be a defining characteristic of the future generations. Reason for extinction: Middle School.

Smarticus Amorphous – This stage proved the hypothesis that Smoothlian Elementarius did not fit into the box of elementary school; as a very close relative of Smoothlian, Smarticus Amorphous excelled in the academic freedom that is Grade 7. Smarticus Amorphous fit into every clique, and paradoxically, because of this, did not fully fit into any clique. Remained closely tied to many of its previous allies in their respective evolutionary stages (Sporticus Shellius, Populon RedheadIan and Zacharius Normalus) and extended its network through association with the Ethleenevenannah clan and Charlian Megapedian, Desputius Psychosis. Loved 80s rock. Believed reason for extinction: the realization of the fact that hair metal blows.

Sparticus Grimian – Physical blooming in full swing, Sparticus Grimian experienced a significant loss of mass around the abdomen and a great increase in the shoulder region; this phenomena was perpetuated by competitive sports and an overpowering interest in female species. This species rejected hair metal and believed firmly in the superiority of grunge and 70s rock. Sparticus Grimian revelled in popularity and experienced the genus’ peak in that area during this time period. Grimian spent half of its time on the earth without its greatest ally Populon RedheadIan and spread its time thinly between many species, but maintained a particularly close relationship with Thleenus Dorinian and Shellius Mysterio. When reunited with the RedheadIan genus, Grimian found that it had similarly evolved into Sparticus RedheadIan. It would be this similarity that would recement the alliance that had been on hiatus. Reason for extinction: HistoryMaker.

Ethanian Prime – The first true emergence of the distinctly modern species. Many factors caused this evolutionary shift: a sudden migration of the Thleenus genus, and subsequent befriending of Shellius Pinstripian; the emergence of the tendency towards introspection (the seeds of which were sown in the independence of Smoothlian Elementarius, but were dormant until this point); a life changing experience at HistoryMaker; a reconnection with the Linsaethon genus, through the newly evolved Linsaethon Openus, and subsequent adoration for punk rock music, catalyzed by Relient K. Prime had a fallout with Sparticus Grimian and almost everything that went with it. This meant a sudden lack of popularity, in spite of this, Prime felt wholeness untapped in previous generations.

To be continued...